I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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