In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
