Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I bet he comes in French.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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