Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
