Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
