My hand turned me down
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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