There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
