A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
