when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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