i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
is it fun? or sober?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize