he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You're a waste of cheezeits
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Dicks are not precious.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
