okay pat passed out under dana's car
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
