you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
