But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Randomize
