I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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