Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize