I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize