1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize