The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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