Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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