I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
