Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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