6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
