He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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