I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
