wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
