everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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