we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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