I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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