How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
