I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
