ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
