you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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