Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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