Define "chronic" masturbator.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
