I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
