im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
