This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i dont even know how to be here
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
