$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
