He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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