have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
