There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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