she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just want to make out with him forever
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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