so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
