I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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