dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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