I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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