Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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