i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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