Me. At least after what I've been through.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
