I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The feeling are messing with the penis
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
