my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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