Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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