if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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