I need help removing her.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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