I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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