I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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