I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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