**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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