this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
