dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
