I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Fuck appropriateness.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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