if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Also, beer. Big fan.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
