you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
