So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
