So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
