Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
