i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
