my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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