I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
