Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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